The Whiniest Little Shit (title and disclaimer)
I'm suppose to think in something else. I'm suppose to focus on my responsabilities. But I feel it consume me, burning, wanting to come out as tears or cutting words and phrasses. I wanna hurt my loved ones, they don't get what the hell is bothering me - I numb myself with videos, series and social distractions.
Distractions keeps me from falling.
I'm grasping to the edge.
I constantly imaging myself binge drinking, smoking, getting high as fudge. Pills seem to help you chill but I know they don't. Guess studying a pharmacy and biochem mayor doesn't help when you wanna be an irresponsable goon and do stuff without thinking twice.
I have been an asshole to guy I've been dating for more than four years.
It's hard to discernment from my inner conscious voice and my immature unwitty self , which I blame as someone different from me trying to ignore the fact that i'm not as nice as I think.
My gut tells to break up with him. /// Fear advice otherwise. His is a great guy, cares about me, we talk about everything, he listens, shares, loves me, sex is great and I can be myself around him. I'm the shitty one. I don't know WHY he doesn't break up with me.
I don't know what I want. Being with him is being in the path of a convencional life, marriage, kids and all that and I'm not sure if I want that. Sounds great but I don't if that's for me.
I'm afraid of regret, I'm feel too young to settle down, I'm 23, when am I suppose to know? I'm afraid and insecure about the future cuz I'll like to date other people or know myself better, I finding out I'm more superficial than I thought I was, I denied it for some time but it's hitting me now. I look to other guys, I have lots of crushes and what stops me from dating, flirting and fooling around are :
My complete ignorance of "the game", my relationship, my akwardness and my laziness
I have been only in long term relantionships and I don't know myself outside of one.
I love him so much but I love me more but - I'm afraid of the unknown void. If there is suppose to be one person I pretty sure he might be it. He has told me I'm his one.
I have felt this before (wanting to break up) and I'm fighting it, I started therapy, I wanna mature, grow up and be this guy but why do I feel so sad and unsatisfied of trying?
What's gonna happen if we break up?
- I'm gonna lose someone great
-im gonna break his heart
-im gonna hate myself
- what will people think?
-will I find someone like him?
-could we go back together ?
-we will be very very sad
- where does all this feeling go to?
- and our families?
- he will hate me, everybody will
- will I change for the better? will I evolve ? will anything change?
Is it really neccesary to break up to grow up?
Asking and needing to much attention is a disadvantage for me I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm emotionally consuming. I wanna escape from my own. Restart fresh and better maybe? But no one can simply escape.
I hate myself for feeling like this, for feeling this. Why can I just be easy?
Fudge, maybe I do need to get back to fluoxetine. I might need to translate this and read it to my psychologist. I feel better expresing myself in English.
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